Ten things I'm gonna do to get on "Idol".
10 Show up in my bikini. Make out with Paula with enthusiasm.
9 Bring my family. My family of one member from every ruthless gang in my prison.
8 Act confused when rejected and claim I thought I was trying out for Hells Kitchen.
7 Tell them Kurt Cobain sent me.
6 Yell, "WHO ARE YOU GONNA BELIEVE? ME OR YOUR LYING EARS BITCH."
5 Show off my ability to sing like a rock star and puke at the same time, saving myself a step.*
4 Collapse limp so they cannot haul my no talent ass away.
3 Punch out Seacrest for my golden ticket.
2 Bring my back up dancers. Train feral cats a few steps first.
1 Show judges handmade tabloid of me and the Rock's illicit affair.
I will not beg. I have my pride eh.
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